Getting divorced is never easy. Getting divorced with young children makes things even harder, and more emotionally challenging for everyone involved. 

When parents are unable to agree upon a co-parenting plan and the disagreement turns into a high-conflict battle, they tend to lose sight of what is important: the best interest of the children. When this happens, the children are the ones who suffer. It is crucial to avoid ongoing, intense fights and litigation, and instead navigate child custody disagreements with strategy, even-temper, logic, and a focus on the child’s wellbeing. 

In California, a Court’s primary concern is the best interest of the children when making child custody and visitation orders. To determine the children’s best interest, the Judge considers the children’s health, safety, and welfare, any history of abuse or habitual use of controlled substances by either parent, the child’s relationship with each parent, and each parent’s ability to care for the child. 

What Characterizes a High-Conflict Custody Battle:

  • Personal attacks against the other parent rather than focusing on the child’s needs
  • Lack of cooperation and rigidity – a “my way or the highway” attitude; even simple decisions or reasonable requests cause arguments
  • Manipulation and control – attempts by a parent to have control over all aspects of parenting 
  • Fabricating or exaggerating allegations against the other parent in attempt to “win” the custody battle in Court
  • Child involvement – children are stuck in the middle, or used as pawns or messengers  

Potential Court Orders in High-Conflict Child Custody Cases:

To promote and protect the children’s best interest in high-conflict cases, the Court may order:

  • Parents to complete a co-parenting course or co-parenting counseling to develop better communication and conflict resolution skills
  • Supervised visitation for one parent if safety concerns are present
  • Child custody evaluation by a mental health professional who will make recommendations to the Court as to what is in the child’s best interest 
  • Appointment of minor’s counsel to represent the child’s best interest. 

How to Avoid High-Conflict Child Custody Disputes:

To avoid these orders being made and ensure a peaceful coparenting relationship, follow these tips:

  • It’s not about “winning.” It’s about what is best for the child(ren).
  • Be flexible and cooperative. Grant reasonable requests and be patient with the other parent. 
  • Be patient. This is likely new territory for both of you and it will take time to adjust. Give yourself and your co-parent some grace. 
  • If you have concerns about the children’s safety and wellbeing when with the other parent and communicating directly about your concerns is not an option, consider engaging in mediation, where a neutral third party can help address your concerns with the other parent.
  • Take care of yourself so you can be the best parent you can be. Consider seeing a therapist for emotional support. Find healthy outlets for your emotions and ensure you have a support system.
  • Remember, you and your co-parent are a team. Whether you like it or not, you and the other parent are on the same team: your child’s team. Unhealthy conflict between you does not help the team succeed and can harm your child.

When Conflict Cannot be Avoided – How to Navigate the High-Conflict Child Custody Minefield:

  • Use a neutral tone when communicating with your co-parent. Don’t react emotionally or make emotionally charged accusations. Don’t say things just to “win” an argument. Take a deep breath and communicate using facts and logic. Don’t say or post anything you wouldn’t want a Judge to see.
  • Don’t take your anger out on your co-parent in ways that harm the children. Consider what is best for the children. Don’t disagree with a reasonable request just to prevent your co-parent from getting what they want, especially if the request is for something that the children would enjoy.
  • Never speak poorly about the other parent in front of your children. Children identify with their parents, so creating a negative image of the other parent can adversely impact your child’s self-image. 
  • To avoid back and forth accusations, communicate your concerns to your attorney, and let your attorney handle the issue either by communicating with the other parent/their attorney, or by seeking Court intervention.
  • Document everything. Keep records of your concerns, concerning incidents, missed appointments, missed pick-ups, and abusive conduct by the other parent. This documentation can be important should you need court intervention.
  • Consider using one of the Court approved co-parenting app/websites for all non-emergency communication with your co-parent.
  • Focus on solutions. Even small agreements can show a desire to cooperate and thereby reduce conflict.
  • Seek professional help. Engage a family law attorney experienced in high-conflict child custody cases to advise you of your legal rights and responsibilities. 

By prioritizing your children’s best interest, seeking professional guidance, and following these strategies, you can ensure your child(ren) continue to have a happy and healthy home environment. 

You can view this article in Discover Magazine